This is from a weekly newsletter I get (www.roadbikerider.com). Those of you who have had to tolerate my bike-related ramblings may appreciate this. Then again, it's probably only funny to us bike geeks...

SCOTT'S SPIN: Smart Mouth

Went to dinner with some cycling buddies the other weekend. Spouses were invited. None came.

"You guys are just going to talk bikes," said one weary life partner. "I'd rather get a root canal. With a rusty drill. In a sewer."

Oh, no -- proof positive that I've become a bike geek, incapable of engaging in normal conversation without using words like rotating weight, ceramic bearings or kilojoules.

Don't let this happen to you. Using my handy guide to dialogue for roadies, you too can learn to chat with humans about current events, culture, philosophy and other non-cycling trivia.

Heed these do's and don'ts and your next cocktail-party appearance will be a smash.

Topic: Foreign Affairs
What to Say: Anyone who thinks multilateral talks can solve the simmering tensions along the Serbian frontier need only look to the failed diplomacy on display during the Prussian renaissance of the late 19th century, don't you agree?
What Not to Say: So, Campy or Shimano?

Topic: Economics
What to Say: If you ask me, the Sarbanes-Oxley Act will sound the death knell for sheltered debentures unless fourth-quarter revenues turn this bear market around and housing starts cease declining in the face of Third World micro-lending policies.
What Not to Say: My bicycle cost four thousand bucks.

Topic: Politics
What to Say: As everyone knows, this front-loaded primary system makes a travesty of our so-called democracy by placing inordinate power in the clammy hands of activist voters in a few small, unrepresentative states where the price of hog bellies is more important than the cost of freedom.
What Not to Say: I wouldn't vote for Obama even if he rode a bike. Dude's a smoker.